"somebody smells like coco pops!" -girl in the toilets


"why did you decide to grow such a beard?" -msmagpie to john


“waxing teats are nothing to hang your hat on” -lecturer


“the bastards won’t find anything in my drawers” -equine sal (um...desk drawers??)


“we looked at this guy, decided he was ugly and so we killed him” -cattle pete


“let her hold the testicle, it will make her day” -surgeon alastair referring to nicki


“i’m sweating like a pig! i ran straight out of the cows, threw on some clothes and came here” -cowboy mike


“if you’re laughing at the animal, it probably has cerebellar disease” -cardio russell


“you’ll slap yourself in the eye with retained foetal membranes, don’t laugh--there’s a reason i shaved off my beard” -cattle pete


“i get slimy trails of faeces from enteritis” -fishy jim


“if you allow a fish to die, it can explode in the tank” -fishy jim


“does he have a future? no. hopeless. kill him.” -fishy jim


“how do you spell procrastination?” -overheard in library


“as vets there are a lot of things we can do to make the bladder a sad place” -steve h


“cats are essentially hairy adrenal glands” -greg dermis


“you think you’re going to be a mother , you don’t want to be a racing bitch” -greyhound lecturer


“we’ve got a bony mushroom growing out his butt” -birds madill with the diagnosis


“was a vet known as mr. constipation...he never passed anything” -alastair


“i can’t believe you’re orgling in the library” -me to meredith


"i think a pregnant uterus is a good uterus" -nat, the wezza vet


"my three year old had a major tantrum last week because he wanted to go to the park naked" -michael, melbs vet


"nebraska i ain't got no use for. they can give nebraska back to the indians as far as i'm concerned. i hate this damn place more than any place in the world." -from "on the road" by jack kerouac


"jesus only had 12 and one of them was a dud." -tom


"milking is a magical sequence, the sow calls to the piglets like the slow clap" -pig lecturer


"piglets have 42.1 acts of aggression in their first minute of life to defend their teat" -pig lecturer


"i would puke and pass out too if one of your eyes was hanging out" -ms small an med specialist


"the surgeon had him come back to get his nuts compressed" -sam surgery specialist


"practice your neuro exams all the time. practice them on friends, loved ones, spouses. i practice on my wife all the time. she loves the gag reflex." -steve h


"bruise its bag...stand on its bag...got a big floppy old bag" -cowboy mike on udders


"you've got an ewok instead of a wookie" -Bruce P on portosystemic shunts in Irish Wolfhounds


"all God's creatures got herpesvirus" -Steve H


me: "you're never too old to eat pantyhose" ally: "eating pantyhose is for life" -linear foreign body talk


"it smells like somebody's been pissin in the kitchen" -pig lecturer on "boar taint"


"your back fat came into play and you did well" -me (talking about pigs sounds hilarious out of context)


"you guys have got to be as smart as a parathyroid gland" -bruce p


"the double jointed people...it's a good party trick but those are diseased people" -greg dermis


"if you got a sow and a bottle of prostaglandin you'll be right" -cattle pete on abortion


"jack is not a person, jack is a machine" -cattle pete on calving jacks


"can you introduce a gun into the uterus?" -kate not thinking during problem solving for ineffective labour


"a lot of bitches. bitches, bitches, bitches everywhere." -pat w on canine reproduction


"you name it, the penis can get involved in it" -glenn's male reproductive tract surgery lecture


"i'm sorry that i upset you with the skinning of the cat face" -ally


"Go Nads!" -jessie cheering for Nadel in the Australian Open


"those mice are in the cupboard mutilating!" -peter mil


"couldn't you tell i was an angel? you know the whole entrance, the music, the chisled features?" -toby


"that grub poo was COOL!" -nicole


"don't destroy the cat's bum" -prof edwards


"it's documented ass protection" -cattle pete on drug registrars


"examine the whole as well as the hole" -our clinical mantra


"it's a squidgy little dose, may as well piss in its ear" -anaesthesia lecturer


"i don't mind eating the fecal matter" -amrish about eating chicken


"UV shields on sunglasses...no one's come out with that for underwear" -prof slocombe in radiation toxicity lecture


"occupational hazard of frequent thrusting" -prof charles about bovine discospondylosis in artifical insemination bulls


"born like a furry slug" -prof slocombe on bovine achondroplasia


"tentacles of a crab" -path lecturer


"the internet...bad, bad, the devil--that's where he lives" -cowboy pete


"only you can prevent a forest" -operation ranch hand's motto in viet nam


"i'm always pretty" -amrish


"strong enough for long enough" -antimicrobial mantra


"everything that can go wrong will go wrong, things that can't go wrong will go wrong as well" -prof beveridge


"defecation beside a palmtree...bit of a smear job with grass" -prof gasser on transmission of amoebiasis


"all of you had head lice as children and some of you are old enough to have pubic lice" -prof beveridge


"don't put that in your mouth, you monkey" -kirsten


"and if you leave anything behind, please make sure it's something i can use, wear or sell" -connex train conductor


"who needs fingers and toes if you're about to die?" -crazy physiology prof from the med dept


"basal metabolic rate is lying in a room with no clothes on" -crazy prof


"the 'sex centre' is not a place you go to" -prof in physiology


"what's a bit of diarrhoea between friends?" -micro prof


"surely there is a bird that eats these ticks" -adam in parasitology


"the cortex is where the action is" -anatomy prof on ovaries


"are you the tool annie?" -suv


"ooh annie has a thing for tony blair!" -suv


"these fish were alive before they died" -fish medicine lecturer


"i am having a camera" -suddy


"we don't know you, so just take that somewhere else" -msmagpie to the creep on the street wanting a hug

jessie: "what's wrong with that guy?" me: "our waiter?" jessie: (nodding)"he's weird"


"dump it!" -jessie (about her xmas giftbag)


"i need coffee more than i need testicles" -me (studying)


"wow glitterrs, you're young at heart to the max" -tom


"the owner plays out like a full member of the bastard's club" -lecturer on dog behaviour


"they wear hats in north america" -department head


"he asked for a few exam questions and i handed them to him and he grunted" -prof walker about kimpton


"hi guys! i'm infected, come and help me!!" -prof kimpton


"what Ross says is not holy writ, neither is it wholly shit" -prof cahill


"watch out for small boys with shanghai's" -mike h (i think it's a term for slingshot)


"i'm supposed to be at bible study but instead i'm smoking and drinking in a casino." -nicole


"hey teammorley, can i set fire to you?" -johnno during teammorley's valedicts MCing


"it's OK, i'll just take off my shirt." -jacob while driving


"it depends on how saucy you like it." -mike


"i'm like God, i get to choose...which chips i eat." -jacob


"but 'wild drunken orgies' sounds more natural coming out of your mouth" -mike to me


"don't worry, it's just another message from shane [warne]. just delete it." -mike h


"you get all the good ones!" -teamshots


"have you complemented the lady on her nails?" -big stribley


"where do you suppose swiss miss is supposed to be from?" -me


"if you tell anyone i'm going to gaffer-tape your legs together and run you over with my car" -creepy AV guy


"and then i'll turn 40 and start making conception film clips" -me (i meant conceptual)


"i am a mighty pirate!" -tasman


"how good is nut break?!?" -parky


"we could be 'fox force five' because there are 1, 2, 3, 4, 8 of us" -ian (coming up with a name for trivia night)


"the kindergarten didn't teach them how to read, it just taught them how to be" -greg


swiss-michael: "i'd like a sex in the city" bartender: "i don't think this is the place for that" (trying to order a sex on the beach)


"we were giving people nicknames by adding 'nator' to the end, like 'navinator'. but then we tried to do it with uri and his name just didn't work" -teamshots (go ahead, add 'nator' to the end)


“it’s like Geelong, but further away” -minister talking about South America


“on the phone there were different, overseas-type sounds” -minister


“it’s cool man, aren’t you feeling that vibe?” -Michelle talking about Kevin’s hat


“towards the end of this talk, I’m going to draw a triangle.” -Prof Cahill


“this is now getting on to my triangle” -Cahill…he never did draw that triangle


"thomas is like the eeyore of the disciples" –pastor


"sometimes the horse doesn't pick up its foot and that is because it is a bastard." -horse practical instructor


"it's like linda blair being resurrected as a dog" -prof walker relating his dog's tonoclonic convulsions to "the exorcist"


"some of the americans said they didn't know what 'stroppy' meant. it means 'liable to chuck wobblies'." -prof harrison


"put it between my eyes, not on my foreskin" -swiss-michael...ok the deal with this quote is that we were putting on bindis for indian national night, and swiss had an unfortunate mishap trying to speak english. he didn't want the bindi on his forehead...


"and the answer is 'sweet fanny adams' until 50 millivolts" -prof cahill on action potentials


"the same principle applies to cows in canada, too." -prof harrison


"very sexy kinds of bands" -prof walker talking about electrophoresis


"the great fire in boston was supposed to have been caused by a cow" -guest lecturer...um chicago maybe?


"lymph sucks" -prof cahill


"it isn't laziness, it's survival" -prof davies talking about sleeping


"bicycle man's a wanker...bicycle man's a wanker" -chanted at a guy on a trick bike trying to run IH over


"that wine came from the finest box in the kitchen" -mark


"the kitchen sloth drowns in the vat of wine" -mark


"what is that? delta force?" -aaron


me: "does this make you think of delta force?" waiter: "chuck norris?"


"get out of my dreams and into my mouth" -mark


chuck: "the problem with invisibility is that you'd have to control when it turned off...you wouldn't want to be suddenly naked in the middle of safeway" me: "what...sitting on the produce?"


"give a man breasts for a day and he'd disappear" -chuck


“hey dad, I’ll give you a dollar to push ‘seek up’” –mark


“I will hit you so hard it will kill your whole family” –from the movie “Diner”


“does your teen dress like an extreme ‘mackdaddy’ player?” –jenny jones


“he was the most honest rapist I’ve ever met” –amy


“I thought the pickles were throwing the stones” –karrie


“anonymous man sandwich” –mare


“do do do do do hey HO…huh?” -amy


“hey mark, do you know anyone who would like to come over here and lick my carpet clean?” –me


“that green light just blew my mind” –mark


lauren: "does joe’s crabshack have anything besides seafood? I’m a vegetarian.” Josh: "yeah, they have these great buffalo wings”


“yes! The answer is anal!!” –me (doing a crossword)


“quick! Lock the doors!! There’s a guy out there!” –skorf

“sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet spoon” –amy


"they got pictures of little boys tinkling all over the bathroom" -deeann's soon to be father-in-law at buca di beppo


"you know the show "everybody loves raymond"? well, everyone loves sathi" –sathi


"you wear them normal the first day, inside out the second, right side in and backwards the third, inside out and backwards the fourth and on the fifth day you go commando" -the underwear habits of the biker Mare's parents talked to


"talk to us like we're your people" -Mare to Brandon Boyd of Incubus


"this song was inspired by lionel richie" -Brandon Boyd before playing "Drive"


"what is it, flipper?" -Mark to 1-year-old Gabe


"cannibalism was goin on" -guide in Jamestown, VA


"what is that in her lap, question mark" -donna, guest lecturer


"i have blinkers on" -donna


"this receptive field is essentially a sombrero" -prof. olivo


"something about Smith just turns me into a thug" -rosy


"is that the dalai lama?" -woman at lunch asking about the abbot


"if you're asking yourself 'is that guy wearing a women's j crew shirt?', yes i am" -kyle from rainer maria


"a box pops up with a bong" -professor howe


mare: "i'll just ask that navy guy" me: "how do you know he's in the navy?" mare: "because he's wearing a uniform"


"if i see one more howling coyote wearing a bandana, i'm going to run amok" -frank on "trading spaces"


"i'd like to spend some time with him before his genetics kick in and he becomes a howler monkey" -jack on "will and grace"


"talk to the left cuz you ain't right" -robert


"i don't sing when i pee" –mbuya


"is that your phone?" -lauren (while on the phone with me)


"4 will die because of the dalai lama's homosexuality" -crazy man in amsterdam


"my warflag is rampant monkey" -from mare's reading


"they look like grapes....orange grapes" -olivo talking about a sea slug's brain


"i'm apologizing for my english...i learned it in new jersey" -prof. emer. fabas


"notice the old people" -fabas showing a slide


"a token woman and a token asian, that's a good slide" -fabas


"if you want to separate yourself from politics, it's dumb. dumb, dumb, dumb." –fabas


"yes nsync is a women country group" -mare


"she had a previous engagement with squalor" -daily show (talking about amy fisher's refusal to be on celebrity boxing)


"i'm never going to have a bastard child" -mark


"there is no monster in this closet....ok, now there is" -sully on monsters, inc


"what had not had she said?" -me


"if you hadn't been jibberjabbering" -lauren


"why don't you do your pants up?" -mare


"your trash is infectious radioactive crap" -mbuya


mare: "it's called tolerance" amy: "it's called DUI"


"what's up peeps?" -rivers, after the first weezer song


"thank you for the sombrero my friends" -rivers, after picking up a regular hat thrown on stage and putting it on


"that was rad, except i screwed up the lyrics...let's keep that take" -rivers, after "photograph"


"augustus seizure" -prof dines


"it's easy for scientists to understand the humanities, but it's hard for humanists to understand science" -prof. olivo


"five foot whore" -me trying to say five foot four


"If there is a battle going on out there, we're honestly not winning it." -paul schwarz of the sheriff's office in Dawson County, NE, on methamphetamine use


"it's like putting those little pants on piano legs" -prof leone


"he was something of a scamp in his own time" -prof flower on thoreau


"like junkies hanging around their connection" -olivo on positive charges and the ion channels


ginny: "what mammals would be small and have long gestation periods?" class: "reptiles", "birds"


"make a little passy pass" -karrie during the rose bowl


"that's out of their jewbisdiction" -guy at denny's


dad: i'm, i'm, i'm... pastor: david s, i presume


"my only dream is of a free tibet" -richard gere on the simpsons


"im squishing cojones" -mare


"where did you get this cd, mom? Out of the trash?" -mark


"i...love...Gretchen!!" -SNL


"do you wear that mask at school?" -great-grandma


"i understand if you're afraid of me, most sissies are. now why don't you ride your girl bike home and put on a sundress, I'm sure you'll look very pretty." -brak's dad


"with your rump in the air, you're dangerously exposed" -david attenborough


"abracadabra" -jay


"i don't want a car, i choose life" -sindewe magona


"because mcdonald's never closes while i'm still there" -sindewe magona


mare: "I have Roman hands and Russian fingers...my mom taught me that"
sarah: "your mom taught me that, too"


"oh, those are all boys" -brooke


"the resident asks that you please refer to her as "the pig", as she will be doing (in third person) from now on" -on my whiteboard, written by yours truly


"so he's a chatch face" - allison


"coed bathrooms are crazy. i can't imagine sitting there talking to girl while trying to muscle one out" –peter


"maurice the pantsman" -sean and amy


"hee hee hee, dying tickles" -ralph wiggum


"make way for fanny, fanny coming through" -scary movie 2


"we're in afghanistan? i thought this was east denver" -cartman


"that's ok because i have a time out sandwich" -guy on "time out" on the show "dismissed"


"they will deliberately leave the curtains open so peeping toms like rod stewart can watch" -sut jhally's video on mtv video depictions of women


"this is my patch" -interpretation of bird song


"i ordered a book and all i got was some lousy bioterrorism" -shayna and me


"sarah michelle gellar--i suppose that's buffy?" -dr. jaffe


"the menage a trois to be ashamed of is with Ben and Jerry" -advertising video


"killing us softly and killing us softly again" -advertising video


"i just need to find some poor kids" -shayna


"i look like fat jesus...not phat jesus" –comic


"It's impossible for me to dive that deep, but homeboy can" -man from video on cephalopods


"ball of nasty" -me


"we were at 12,000 square feet" -Susan


Ron: "look at that chipmunk" me: "that's a squirrel" Ron: "well I couldn't tell because it's blonde" me: "ron, it's grey"


"i heard she went JYA to an institution" -Bri


"shut up, Prince Valiant" -Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back


"you guys want some cookies?" -Chris Kattan on Corky Romano


"i need a little friend" -amy


"B-I-G Pee-Po" -me


Uncle Phil: "Look! They killed the fatted calf for us!" Aunt Nancy: "Alright!"


"no, you all yell, i beat" -lauren on whether the 4th floor crew could survive a tour in a bus together


"maybe he's at risk" -lauren commenting on justin timberlake and male breast cancer


"glitterrs in the bill cosby sweater" -disco


"that's 3 by 3, that's like a million" -prof peckol


"Is there some reason why the TV isn't on?" -shayna


"and i saw his shoe and i was like this.....this is bad news" -tommy lee


"we called it loser's lunch. it was baloney in hand because metallica couldn't afford white bread" -anthrax lead


"the american people have spoken, it's just going to take awhile to figure out what they said" -bill clinton


"vote early and vote often and the more you voted, the better your candidate did, and then we would party for three days" -esteban on politics in costa rica


"I saw the mullet of all mullets" -amy


"henderson is always seeing the mullet of all mullets" -lauren


"henderson is my latino boyfriend" -katie


"It's sad when latinos and gays fight. Just yesterday I saw Ricky Martin trying to claw his own eyes out" -conan o'brien


"split open my vas deferens if i like new york!" -umass guy (yankees suck)


"do you take the....debit cards?" -me


"GUALDO!!!"


"you'll be in class and you'll be like 'crustacean' and i'll be like 'you were wearing a pink wig!'" -chitty


"sally jesse raphael is lauren towler" -lauren's mother


"here comes some fun" -me at Amy's family reunion


"yeah, well gretchen's family square dances at their reunions" -amy (that was ONCE)


"look at this guy, he was staying at the Shangri-la, big pimpin, spending cheese" -donovan


"you need to take the corvettes out of the garage" -drunk man at Metallica


"Just make the weird lady happy" -Luke


"In weightlifting, I don't think that sudden, uncontrolled urination should disqualify you." -Saturday Night Live


"Burger King's new fries are best when eaten." -BK bag


"Farts show bad moral judgement." -my mom


"Do I look like a base unit?" -Katie's dad


"2000 years exploring the grand canyon on a pogo stick" -on the side of my father's safe from when he was a kid


"Can you hook me up with some of those special nuts I never see?" -customer at DQ


"I thought it was a magical crunch machine" -me at DQ


"If you keep doing that, they're never going to all get hung up"-Katie commenting on my clumsiness at putting away brushes


"Why was there a chess piece in the sink?" -me at DQ


"SQUAK!" -Katie


"Go bus bus bus bus go!" -Katie driving the groovemobile


"We could make your station wagon into a taxi" -me coming up with wonderful ideas for the groovemobile


"If you want to look at a hot guy, and you go outside in the rain to do it, make sure you have shoes on with your socks." -me


"When you are looking at a hot guy, and you are hiding behind a bush, make sure the bush has leaves." -mommamary


"It's hard to talk to glitterrs when there's a naked woman squatting behind her." -Karrie in the YMCA locker room


"Is he doing water yoga?" -me at the YMCA


"Katie drives backwards by a cop, and *I* get the speeding ticket." -Amy


"Karrie, no, no, you are *not* going to cry" -I think a few people have said this one


"Where did the Happy Chef go?" -my fam


"We all have to get dressed up and glitterrs wears the monkey shirt?" -Mark


"We must prepare for H road! Save the machine!!" -Matt and glitterrs on the way to Missouri


"Did your mother have any children who survived?" -Mark


"We need some hardcore cheese that's not munster" -Courtney commenting on Hubbard House cuisine

"I am *so* going to buy some gourds" -Shana at the apple orchard on Mountain day


"I was raised by the members of Queen, I ran away at 15, I was stripping in a brothel at 18, Now I'm a model and the highest paid assistant executive in Boston, working for the largest insurance company in the world." -Crazy woman on the communter rail


"We're listening to the soundtrack from the Sound of Track" -me on drugs?


"I don't care how much loans I have to take. I just want to go away from Midwest, I am just craving for East Coast." -Emira


"You are the only woman for me. You and Janet Jackson." -commercial


"What the herb?" -Tony coming up with alternates to swearing


"For a written transcript on tonight's show, start taking notes....now" -3 Men and A German, radio show


"So my wife gets out of the car to videotape me fall off the mountain and die" -Mr. Olsen talking about his worst vacation ever


"I just wished I was a ballerina and I didn't mean to" -Amy making an 11:11 wish


"Do something constructive, not destructive" -Katie at DQ


"Let's clean everything in here from the waist down" -my wonderful idea for a no-customer afternoon at DQ


"I once dried my entire body with a hand towel" -Margaret


"I hated that class. In one of my papers, I decided to write at the sixth grade level. I wrote 'Buddhism was really big over there then'" -Margaret


"We all knew Tonya Harding was guilty because she had skinny lips" -Professor Skarda


"Bob Dole doesn't like to be licked, don't lick Bob Dole" -Saturday Night Live


"My eyes are open, yet I see nothing" -mommamary on drugs?


Karrie: "Oh no"

me: "What is it?"

Karrie: "Those people"

me: "What about them?"

Karrie: "They're geeks!"


"I'm a hardworking little girl" -Dallas


"I couldn't do a paperroute because I broke too many windows" -Dallas


Teacher: "Are those your sister's parents?"

Boy: "I don't think so"


"I was on my way to the library and she flew away down the hall" -Shanna


"People flip their car lights on and off on the highway, and we can do that with our friends." -Mrs. Wolfe


"This little kid, he's 7 years old, he's like in kindergarten." -Dallas


"Mr. Steinke, those doors are dangerous." -Ibi


"She's got an overhang." -me


"Let's start a Mountain Dew shrine in our third locker!" -Katie


"Those boats are weak!" -Matt


Katie: "Did you know Brett went to Lefler?"

me: "Yeah"

Katie: "How did you know? I didn't even know!"

me: "You told me yesterday!"

Katie: "Oh yeah."


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A Congressional Candidate in Texas


Not technically quotes, but they need to go up here:

Buffman: This here is the Ab-buster, hop up and give me a few

me I'm sorry Buffman, but I have to go now. My mom is coming to pick me up.

Buffman: What??

Karrie: She has a dentist appointment.


Guy: Hey there Jenny, how's school?

Jennifer: Not too bad, big boy.