the latest from lincoln

"normal love isn't like a pimp's love" -paul

"there's a whole lot of tall friends in the audience" -church lady

"i can't date a guy who hunches his shoulders" -skorf

"i can't date a guy who works in a shoestore" -skorf

k:"i hear you're dating a new guy" me:"oh, i know!"

me:"has he gotten fat?" skorf:"no, he's just wearing a lifejacket"

"new" notes from anita the mircoecon prof

"essentially prostitution is the same as working in a factory"
"i spent the weekend poisoning trick or treaters"
"i knew i should have never come back to teaching microeconomics"
"we have no international trade freaks in here?"
"you know what? that was a great answer, such a great insightful answer, but it's wrong"
"the birkenstocks come out when they get tenure"
"it's like cocaine...you have a little, you want more"

"new" mr.burns quotes uncovered after 10 years

"the fat doesn't do anything but make you greasy"
"hydrochloric acid doesn't break down diddilysquat"
"all the rats survived and they were happy, but they didn't care anymore"
"doing a bunch of stupid stuff...for whatever reason"
"mother nature does her best work on sunday afternoons"
"boo...hiss...it won't work...yeah well i'm mother nature"
"you don't find fishskins on people"
"sea turtles lay their eggs on a beach, then you see, on a nature program, the little turtles running...running for the ocean" (with swimming movements)
"everytime you inhale, you inhale this stupid dry, terrestrial environment"
"we would be covered with 40 feet of dead stuff, but it wouldn't smell"
"we don't get an aftersplash"
"i always get a chuckle out of the fact that animals go extinct"
"we're sitting here in our primordial pond scum pool, we got everything we need"
"mosses, spell it mosses and not moses"
"gymnasium means house for the naked"
"amphibians are wussy little guys who have to live by the water...except toads who can hop away and get run over by a semi"
"protect the fish from the killer molluscs"
"can't move because they are too big, fat and ugly"
"it will take care of them faster than that stuff on a doorknob"
"we're really good friends, mrs. beck and me. we go round and round all the time"
"from wence they cometh"
"they've got to keep the crap out"
"even if you're the new kids on the block you'll have to study"
"as a mountain bird swoops down and grabs bambi then carries him off for lunch"
"somebody born with an extra something...Hey! wouldn't it be great to have an extra arm?!"
"what's wrong with six? [fingers] you could have one for nose-picking"
"ok so some people have tails! we're primates! no ifs ands or buts. boy that was a bad pun"
"a giant slice taken out of you by a lawnmower"
"if you've ever been really scared, besides pooping your pants, you get a tingling in your arm"
"apple-crine glands"
"when you're watching baywatch just think 'modified sweat glands' and you're ok"
"you don't have a clue what a mammary gland is other than what you see in magazines"

mr. burns:"snow bunnies, i mean lint bunnies" jacqui:"you mean dust bunnies"
"we babysat this kid with an extra finger, but it dangled" -dave
"you think the cats stink? why don't you come into the bathroom next time i go!" -dr. hirt

additional quotes from sophomore year of high school

"katie has six people in her family" -dallas

"it's challenginger" -mary

dallas: "what's that old fart's name, on the news?" chris: "bob barker"

"i'm gonna open up a strip club" -dallas

"you're a stallion!" -dallas

"what's the tennis ball for? are we playing a game? gonna throw it around the room?" -dallas

"that's my dad!" -katie (as b. tubbs gets out of the car)

"my girlfriend threw a phone at me" -jeff

"see that guy in the white shirt? he's going out with my cousin. know what? my cousin isn't a girl."

"we'll have lasting memories of mr. flowerday's butt in katie's face. and he needs a breath mint." -AP US History class

"that is one righteous belt!" -brad

"my goal in life is to be a housewife" -nicole

"gretchen, you're like, eating the sticker" -sara

"john kennedy jr., that hunk in washington" -mrs. murphy

"dallas has an altitude problem" -shari

"dallas dallas bo ballas, banana fanna fo fallas" -shari

"girls, settle down" -mr. steinke

"there are how many sophomores? 700?! i was figuring 5 or 6" -mrs. wolfe

"tyson's my reference" -dallas

"jingle bells, jingle bells, summer's almost here" -dallas

"you're slower than a ten-year itch"

unknown: "i could just fall into your pants" msmagpie: "ok" unknown: "i used to do that when i was in fifth grade"

me:"i'm having a bad day." dallas:"that's ok because i'll always be your friend"

me:"but what if it squirts out the side?" jason:"then stephanie's screwed" luke:"ok guys, that sounds really disgusting"

from dallas

"i was on my urology posting. that's dealings with the willy" -ian
"my uncle can't control his privates" -mbuya (he's in the military)
"bow howdy! lord love a duck!" - will
"i'm a kitty cat. meow!" - scott
"i could fit a few more of these in" -me with the cookies
noella: "act like a cock" me: "nice, he just stands there" (some things are too funny when translated into english)

from a beer box

"don't drink alone. unless there's no one else around"

"drink responsibly because alcohol kills some kind of cells or something"

fortune cookies...add the ending

"you are going to have some new clothes"

"good things are being said about you"

"everyone agrees you are the best"

"a good evening is one spent in good company"